February 24, 2021
1 Thought
"Abuse" is a word that typically brings feelings like anxiety, grief, and revulsion–nobody hears it and thinks it's not a big deal.
The problem is that we bristle against naming hurts and harms as abuse because if we don't, we avoid having to reckon with the aftereffects:
Naming abuse inevitably leads to conflict, potential loss of relationship and probable damage to reputation
Naming abuse inevitably leads to wrestling with being loved by a good God who somehow allows us to get hurt like that
It can feel much easier to lessen the severity of abuse to just "going through a hard time" or "figuring things out" or "just a stressful situation".
The result is a carnage of trauma for the abused as well as enabling the abuser to multiply that damage to future victims. So how do we define abuse and what does it look like?
When someone wields their influence to use you as an object they are willing to harm for their own benefit, abuse has occurred, and that person has become an abuser. Usually, it's subtle: words and actions that even seem good, but leave you feeling confused and trapped. (Share this on Twitter)
Abuse takes many different forms, not just physical or sexual. Psychological and spiritual abuse can be just as traumatic–a victim may never be physically touched, but is harmed by emotional manipulation and held captive by deception.
This topic is too deep for this kind of email, so you will find 2 resources this week helpful for learning more. However, one of the simplest ways to diagnose whether or not abuse could be happening is in clarifying the difference between a concession and an apology. Oftentimes, abusers (whether they are consciously and intentionally manipulating people or not) will make concessions instead of apologies when they are confronted or caught.
Here are 4 ways (acronym SALT) to identify between an apology and a concession:
Surrender: The hardest step, but most important, is giving up the desire to defend himself/herself. Instead of surrender, concessions could look like excuses based on "good intentions" or turning it back on you: "Why didn't you bring this up before?"
Acceptance: This is a full acknowledgement of the both the specific abuse and the specific harm it caused. This looks like "I was wrong when I ___" as well as "I see that what I did caused you to___." Instead of acceptance, concessions are vague about the abuse and justify the action done or dismiss the damage done.
Lament: If a person has authentically gone through the first half of the apology, the weight of what they've done will land and they will grieve their actions. If they haven't, they may start to self-promote by pitching why they're still worthy of your support. An apology should never double as some sort of medal of commendation.
Transformation: In an authentic apology, the person will begin the hard work of restitution and restoration for the abused. They will do whatever it takes to establish truth and correct the wrongs. Someone that has only made a concession will do whatever it takes to just try and move on and minimize the risk to their reputation.
Indeed, if salt has lost its taste, how can it be restored? Keeping ourselves and one another accountable to true apologies is one way of ensuring that salt is preserved.
2 Resources
Wade Mullen on confronting abuse:
“It is always easier for abusers to control others when truth remains elusive and confusion abounds, so it is in their interest to practice deception. In the absence of truth and discernment, an entire community can easily be deceived...I say all this to reassure you: it’s not your fault if you feel confused and overwhelmed at the prospect of untangling the web of abusive and impression management tactics. It is, by its nature, confusing and overwhelming.
And while confronting abuse may sometimes seem unkind and unnecessarily disruptive, I must encourage you as well: if we ignore, minimize, justify, or excuse what we see to avoid disruption, then we help create space for deceivers to continue their charades—allowing their hearts to grow darker, the abuse to become serial, and more innocent people to be placed in harm’s way. It is okay, and even ethical, to bring dark secrets into the light, provided the goal of exposure isn’t to shame the abuser just for the sake of condemnation but to expose them as an act of mercy—for the abuser’s future health and for the protection of others.”
Source: Something's Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse–and Freeing Yourself from Its Power
KJ Ramsey on spiritual abuse:
"We become so fixated on growth and locked into rhythms of rushing and hurrying that we can’t as leaders, be present with our people in a way that honors their humanity and treats them as the holy priests, prophets, and kings–people of the living God–that they are.
Any system that doesn’t have adequate room for the practice of generous presence with one another and real shepherding–knowing your people and being known by them–is going to create a system where abuse happens and people are diminished."
Source: Church Hurts Podcast: Naming Spiritual Abuse
1 Question
That thing that makes you ask, "What even happened?"…what is your body trying to inform you about that situation?